The act of one blaming themselves for the trauma that they’ve suffered has is an epidemic. Self-blame is something that’s much too common.
“I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. That’s why this happened to me.”
“I made myself way too attached to that person, that’s why they pushed me away.”
Examples of self-blame go on-and-on past just the above, but that’s generally what any example of it sounds like. Self-blame is such a common occurrence that it had me thinking: is it our brain’s natural inclination to place blame on ourselves after suffering trauma, or is this a learned behavior?
As should be the case, I wasn’t entirely sure of my answer, so I did some research. Initially, before researching, I leaned heavily towards self-blame being a natural tendency, under the fallacy of control.
You see, in the midst of some of my personal trials, I got into the very poor habit of overly faulting myself for the things that other people did to me. It wasn’t until I began attending therapy regularly that I learned that I was practicing self-blame as a result of my deep-seated control issue. It was a way for me to take control back over the situation, whichever situation it was. In fact, many studies show that an enhanced need for control is one of the most common afflictions that trauma victims face.
I’ll expand on that point on the next part of ‘The Healing Journey’, but for now — let’s circle back what I found in my self-blame research. Here’s what I found:
The published work I discovered in my research was the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, which is a monthly peer-reviewed scientific journal published by the American Psychological Evaluation & covers the fields of social and personality psychology. It was established in 1965 and still publishes to this day. The journal entry of focus for this piece was published in 1979 by Professor Ronnie Janoff-Bulman, titled “Characterological versus behavioral self-blame: Inquires into depression & rape.”
Ronnie Janoff-Bulman, professor emerita of psychology and brain sciences at UMass Amherst.
Before I continue, I’m going to issue a trigger warning for those that have fallen victim to rape & sexual assault, as well as those dealing with depression and grief.
Janoff-Bulman writes that there are two distinguishable types of self-blame — behavioral & characterological. Behavioral self-blame is explained to be control-related & involving attributions to a modifiable, adjustable source: one’s behavior. Adversely, characterological self-blame is explained to be esteem-related & involving attributions to a non-modifiable source: one’s character.
Janoff-Bulman goes on to explain that behavioral self-blame is “associated with a belief in the future avoidance of a negative outcome,” whereas characterological self-blame is “associated with a belief in personal deservedness for past negative outcomes.”
To put it in more digestible terms, behavior is generally a more changeable human quality than character. If I believe that my behavior is the reason why I find myself in compromising situations, then that gives me much more control over my future outcomes. “If I don’t do x again, y is much less likely to take place.”
If I instead believe that I find myself in consistently compromising positions because of my moral character, the level of control that I would believe I possess would be significantly lesser than if I believed otherwise; because character takes significantly more work, time, & effort to change than behavior.
Janoff-Bulman cites two studies in her journal entry; the 1st study focusing on 120 college students divvied into 2 focus groups — depressed and non-depressed. The 2nd study surveyed 38 rape crisis centers to determine which response — behavioral or characterological self-blame — was the most common response to rape victims’ victimization.
Study One:
In this survey of 120 female college students, it was found that the depressed students engaged in more characterological self-blame than the non-depressed students, whereas behavioral self-blame didn't differ between the groups. This tells us that the depressed students felt like they were deserving of their past trials. If you know anything about depression, that adds up because severe cases can strip one of their hope and self-worth. The depressed group also gave more attribution to chance and less to personal control.
Study Two:
In the rape crisis center survey, behavioral self-blame -- and NOT characterological self-blame -- proved to be the most common response of rape victims to their victimization. This suggests that the victims' desire to maintain a belief of control was evident, and this makes sense; a victim feeling as if they wouldn't have gotten assaulted had they just gone to another event or worn something different is an understandable reaction to the trauma, even though we understand that this line of thinking is largely flawed -- rape has less to do with a woman's clothing choices and more to do with the assailant's opportunity, means, and depravity.
What do both studies show us?
The first study focuses on depression, which is an internal affliction. Major depression can be brought on as a result of external forces, but it is an internal disorder. The second study's focus is on victims of rape, or in other words, victims of a deeply traumatic event brought on directly by an external force.
The depressed college students from Study 1 engaged in characterological self-blame; the more esteem-related version of self-blame. When one's self-esteem is low, they're more likely to assign blame to themselves in the spirit of self-loathing.
"I'm not worthy of happiness... I'm undeserving of good things... of course this happened to me... this always happens to me."
The rape victims in Study 2 engaged more in behavioral self-blame, which, whether a coping mechanism or not, makes sense when you really think about it. After such a flagrant mental & physical violation, it's natural for one to feel the need to take control back over their lives after the event. Recall what I stated at the start of the piece: self-blame is a natural trauma victim response under the fallacy of control.
So what about you?
That traumatic moment in your life you've tried so hard to compartmentalize & forget -- did you unfairly blame yourself as a means to cope?
If your partner left you and/or cheated on you, did you tell yourself that things wouldn't have gone down like that if you would've given them more attention, sex, money, or enjoyment?
If you got laid off from your job, did you tell yourself that if you would've worked harder or completed a certain task quicker, they would've decided to keep you on board instead?
If your child got hurt at school, did you tell yourself that if you would've kept them cooped up in the house 24/7, they would've been safe?
Fallacies are unsound arguments or reasonings. The fallacy of control is a cognitive distortion, which are characterized by Harvard Health as internal biases that our brains create to cut down on our mental burdens. Unfortunately, what these self-created biases wind up doing instead is increase our misery & decrease our self-esteem.
Here's the truth: abusers abuse, cheaters cheat, and bullies bully. That's just what they do. It's what's in their nature; their character. Part of the journey of healing is realizing that the trauma you suffer as a result of someone else wasn't your fault. It wasn't caused by you, and most importantly, you didn't deserve it.
So take a step back and ask yourself: why would I continue to torture myself by placing the blame on myself? Why would I continue to give that person or situation such power over my life by engaging in long-term self-blame?
Healing isn't easy. It is not simple, nor is it one-size-fits-all. It requires unlearning some of the natural responses of our own brains in the face of trauma. What Janoff-Bulman's work & my research reinforced to me is that in our brains' rush to protect us from harm, it attempts to give us a sense of control back over our lives but does so through self-blame, whether behavioral or characterological.
But all this does is weigh us down even more. It depresses us and it breaks us down.
The happier, successful future version of you is begging you to take that weight off of your shoulders once & for all.
Understand that whoever hurt you did so because they saw an opportunity and took it out of lack of morality and/or respect. It wasn't because you did anything to bring it onto yourself -- let that thought pattern go.
It wasn't your fault. You deserved better from them. And, now? You deserve better from yourself.
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