"Happy Holidays!"
Once you get past Thanksgiving and into December, this is the most common phrase you'll hear when out & about.
Whichever late-December holiday you celebrate -- whether it be Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa -- some of the feelings & emotions most commonly associated with the holiday season are: to be festive, to be jolly, to be cheerful, to be lively, to be joyous.
These emotions are so closely attributed to the holiday because it offers so many around the world a reprieve from their busy, stressful, everyday lives to spend time with the warmth and familiarity of family.
But what about those who require reprieve from their families?
Yes, while there are a multitude of people who find comfort and solace in their family time during the holiday season, and may even go as far to wear matching, bright-colored, holiday-themed onesies together...
(you REALLY have to enjoy each other's company as a family if you're willing to go that far with it)
there are also many that get a sinking feeling in their stomach at the mere thought of spending time with their family for an extended period of time.
That could be the case because they've endured some real pain at the hands of their family members. And not just the pain that can occur after some piercing insults get hurled across the dinner table on occasion.
I'm talking real deep-seated abuse -- in both the physical sense and the psychological sense.
So how does one manage the juxtaposition of harboring these deep feelings of hurt towards family during the time of year where family time is encouraged, celebrated, and glorified?
It's important to remember the definition of 'trauma' before I continue:
trauma (n):
a deeply distressing or disturbing experience
emotional shock following a stressful event or physical injury
In Pt. 1 of The Healing Journey, I outlined how psychological trauma & its effects on the brain can be likened to what body parts like the knees, shoulders, wrists, etc go through when injuries are suffered in those areas.
Psychological trauma within families will be my focus in this piece. As you can imagine, psychological trauma suffered within families is a very layered & nuanced subject.
In fact, it's such a nuanced concept that three Australian mental health researchers: Sophie Isobel, Melinda Goodyear, and Kim Foster conducted an analysis on the very subject, titled "Psychological Trauma in the Context of Familial Relationships: A Concept Analysis."
In this analysis, the ladies state the following:
"Interactions between concepts of interpersonal trauma, relational trauma, betrayal trauma, attachment trauma, developmental trauma, complex trauma, cumulative trauma, and intergenerational trauma are presented...
This review found that concepts of psychological trauma occurring within familial relationships are not exclusive of each other but overlap in their encompassment of events and circumstances as well as the effect on individuals of events in the short term and long term. These traumas develop and are transmitted in the space between people, both purposefully and incidentally..."
Let's parce that first segment of the quote. If you've read my writing since The Recess Bell's inception, you know I love to define terms. To make things easier for you, feel me?
Isobel, Goodyear and Foster outlined many different types of trauma that exist & interact underneath the umbrella of psychological trauma:
Interpersonal trauma: violence and abuse that occurs between two or more people -- typically where one person is causing harm to the other(s).
Relational trauma: details the aftermath of prolonged abuse, neglect, serious maltreatment, or abandonment within a harmful long-term relationship.
Betrayal trauma: describes the emotional impact a person experiences after their trust or well-being is violated, either by people or institutions that are significant in their life.
Attachment trauma: occurs when the bond between a child and its primary caregiver is disrupted.
Developmental trauma: describes the effects of chronic exposure to stressful events (such as abuse, neglect, hostility, domestic violence) during a child's development.
Complex trauma: describes a child's, adolescent's, or adult's repeated and/or prolonged exposure to a multitude of traumatic events, often interpersonal in nature.
Cumulative trauma: one experiences a multitude of traumatic events without fully processing their emotions following said events over a prolonged period of time.
Intergenerational trauma: the passing down of trauma from one generation to the next within families.
Diagram of intergenerational or transgenerational trauma. From SHARECOLLABORATIVE.
Outside of developmental trauma, which is directly attributed to children, these different types of psychological trauma all exist & overlap in the context of familial trauma in both short-term & long-term adulthood.
As you can see, family trauma can occur in so many different ways.
One could witness domestic violence in the home, or even fall victim to DV themselves -- a horrific situation that can cause the destructive overlap of interpersonal trauma, relational trauma, complex trauma, and cumulative trauma.
One could confide in their family member about something delicate -- e.g. the matter of their sexual orientation -- and face rejection or even detestation in response, leading to betrayal trauma.
Betrayal trauma can also take place within families in the form of long-term lies and dishonesty that, when exposed, destroy all semblance of trust.
Perhaps you're dealing with the loss of a beloved family member & you've been grieving for a while now; the unfortunateness of attachment trauma.
And, of course -- family trauma can even get passed on from generation to generation -- meaning that one could inherit trauma that first originated from their great, great, great grandparents' suffering.
The book "It Didn't Start With You" by Mark Wolynn is the most popular piece of literature that discusses the concept of intergenerational trauma in depth.
So, with all that being said, how can one that's suffered through the piercing pain of long-term family trauma possibly get through the holiday season while endlessly being surrounded by the same family that's hurt them time & time again?
No, I don't think simply huddling as a group around the living room TV watching 'Home Alone' or another traditional feel-good holiday movie is going to do the trick.
Christmas therapy session, anyone?
To be completely honest with you, there's no simple & easy answer to this one. As somebody that's endured long-term familial trauma themselves, I truly wish there was a catch-all solution to healing from it.
At least as far as where to start? I would say this, first & foremost: when somebody -- a stranger or even a friend -- violates you and hurts you, holding a subsequent grudge is natural. it's expected.
When a family member violates & hurts you, that "grudge" obviously becomes something more. Bitterness. Resentment.
In order to heal from any type of trauma, here's one absolute: harboring any type of resentment about the past & present is NOT going to propel you forward into healing -- it's only going to hold you back and leave you wallowing in your own despair.
At the risk of sounding painfully cliché -- to let go, we have to forgive. Nobody's saying to forget. But forgive.
You may read the sentence above and think: "This guy has no idea the things that I've suffered through at the hands of my own flesh & blood. And he's sitting here telling me to just forgive them for the nasty things they've done?"
Well, here's my retort: I'm going to present you with two choices for this holiday season (and beyond). You can either:
Continue to hold the grudges you've been holding for years, which will continue to harden your heart and hinder your healing, or...
Begin to let that pain go with the power of forgiveness -- which doesn't mean you're being a pushover. "Forgive but don't forget" -- let go of that grudge, but establish firm & forceful boundaries with the person(s) who harmed you. Be stern with the mindset that the parameters of the relationship have changed because of what they've done, and rightfully so.
There's an art to establishing firm boundaries with family, I've found. As it turns out, there's a direct correlation between the ease with which one forms boundaries & how far along one is in their healing journey.
That's right. Communicating your boundaries clearly & consistently signal that you've reached a pivotal point in healing from the trauma that you've suffered.
To simplify boundary setting, counselors often advise categorizing them like so.
It's naive, of course, to imply that this is all "2+2" easy.
Healing from trauma seldom is easy.
Especially when you're talking about terrible things like physical violence, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, neglect, hostile acts, generational curses, and betrayal of trust -- all possibly over a prolonged period of time, to boot.
As Isobel, Goodyear and Foster put it:
"These traumas develop and are transmitted in the space between people, both purposefully and incidentally..."
Trauma, when untreated, festers. It debilitates. And, with enough debilitation, it reveals itself outwardly in our actions.
It shows itself though crippling anxiety. Or severe anger issues. Or extreme bullheadedness. And it can happen both "purposefully & incidentally."
Those are all understandable emotions in reaction to trauma. But, as I've discussed before on this project: it simply just does not make sense to destroy yourself (and possibly others) because of the choice to not heal from the things that you've gone through.
Family ties run deep, and the pain runs deeper. Again, understood. But this holiday season, you can move on your terms -- not theirs.
Toxicity loves a reaction. Reactions give it power. Toxic family units are no different.
As far as the holiday season goes, cling closely to what brings you joy over the next couple of weeks --whether that's a feel-good movie, holiday-themed music, or decorating. In the face of what's to come with harmful family members, it's a way to center yourself.
As you continue on your healing journey through this season, use this as an opportunity to make yourself proud. Stooping down to others' level makes less & less sense as you continue to rise above your past.
When it comes to family, it's most challenging to do so.
But challenges are meant to be conquered, are they not? And conquering the most difficult challenges make statements -- loud ones.
They make statements to not only to the folk around you, but most importantly: to yourself.
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